Re: How to deal with fear in polyamory?

I have made a strategy for dealing with fear and maybe it’s wise for you to do the same. Sit down when you feel good and are not dealing with massive triggers. Think about what you need to feel safe. This is my strategy for dealing with fear:

  1. I’m not this fear I’m feeling. I’m reminding myself that I’m the observer of fear that is triggering me right now. Can I see the little girl inside me who’s afraid?
  2. Close your eyes and visualize this little girl. What is she afraid of? What does she need right now? What can I do to make her feel safe?
  3. Are there any emotions that want to be released? Do you want to cry or scream?
  4. Sitting inside makes me go inside. Go outside, into nature if this is possible. Look at the clouds and the stars. Remember that you’re not alone.
  5. Whatever you do, don’t drink alcohol and try to stay away from overeating. You know it makes you feel worse.
  6. Move your body. Go for a walk or do a soft, heart-opening yoga flow.
  7. What would make you happy? Do you want to draw, write, listen to music or watch a movie?
  8. If nothing helps, call friend A, friend B, friend C or friend D. Or call them anyway if you want to.

This is a really great article about dealing with fear/jealousy. I think lots of relationships can use some advice on how to deal with jealousy.

These practical strategies really appeal to me and my nature. I need to print them out and post them everywhere in my house!

I sometimes really hate night time…

I find that the wall I build up around my emotions to function during the day is the thinnest and weakest at this time. There’s about a three-hour window in the evening, before going to sleep where this happens. Not every night but more than I’d like and it can vary in intensity.

All the things that are on my mind and bothering me are really at the forefront of my thoughts and I’m unable to do much about it other than to just be with those feelings. That thing I can do during the day, where I’m able to compartmentalize, reframe and rationalize the negative emotions using my brain, just seems to be wore out after doing that all day.

I’m not sure what to do about it.

Father’s Day

These are the jokes people

Happy Fathers Day to all the dads out there. My dad passed away 32 years ago and I rarely think of my dad in a way that makes me feel sad. I do enjoy making everybody else uncomfortable by posting dumb memes but that’s about the extent of it.

My thoughts seems to turn to how I did and am doing as a father. I think all parents probably have some regrets and I’m not different. I was 17 years old when Jessie was born and as such, I really had no idea what I was doing; we were kids having kids.

I regret not being more present and appreciating the special moments of Jessie’s childhood. I spent too much time and energy trying to hang out with my friends.

My dad and I… 1975’ish I’d say

I regret not being more established in my career to provide better for our family back then. We were on every form of public assistance there was and we really struggled at first. These things can be excused because we were idiot kids having kids; our brains weren’t even fully developed at 17 years old.

I regret the way Jessie’s Mom and I split up. That was a traumatic experience and I wish I would have did that better. I was just so caught up in my own head and my own life and feelings and I didn’t realize how much my actions could affect Jessie.

Jessie and I – 1994

Jessie and I have a pretty great relationship now. I’m in a great position with my career and finically that I’m able to help out now in really meaningful ways and I’m really proud of the woman and mother that my little Jessie has turned into.

Jessie and I 2013 at the Nashville Zoo

So, I had a heart attack

Yep. I had a heart attack on April 23rd, 2018.

I woke up at 2am on April 23rd with my chest kind of feeling weird and having an achy feeling in my shoulders and back. Mostly, I was just uncomfortable when I first woke up. On the pain scale of 1-10, I would have put it around a 2 or 3? It felt like a body ache but in my shoulders and back mostly. The first episode lasted about 3-4 minutes. I woke up, used the bathroom, took some ibuprofen and was just taking some deep breaths when it passed. I went back to sleep and didn’t have anymore issues during the night.

In the morning, I woke up, went to work, stopped by BK for my normal breakfast (2 bacon egg and cheese croissants and a medium Dr Pepper) that I had almost every morning for the past couple months. As I was walking into work, I had another episode that was very similar to the first. I walked in and rode the escalator up with the heart attack in progress. By the time I got to the top of the escalator, it had passed. I worked all day without incident and got home a bit after 5pm. At this time, more serious episodes started to come on and I knew I was in trouble. I certainly couldn’t just ignore it as I was at home alone and I didn’t want to wake up at 1am with a serious episode happening and nobody there to help me. With that in mind, I decided to get dressed and call 911. By the time I was dressed, the episode had passed so I drove myself up to the ER. I’d say the episodes were spiking into the 5 range on the pain scale now.

At the ER triage room, they had me hooked up to machines and were listening to me but they said the machine tests were inconclusive. They took me to a trauma room and that’s when I got more worried as the trauma room is where people with gun shot wounds go. More doctors were coming and listening to my chest and getting me hooked up to more machines and still, the tests were inconclusive. They said they wanted to go take a look because even though the tests were inconclusive, the symptoms I was describing sounded like a heart attacked. I was nervous about this but I agreed.

In the cath lab, they gave me some medicine to help me relax and then made an incision in my wrist and tried to go in that way. Because of my anatomy, they couldn’t get the cath to my heart so they had to go in through my groin area – after a nice shave! This part of the experience was pretty mild. I was just laying on a table and there were monitors and I could see what they were doing. After about 20 minutes of feeling very chill and relaxed, they were done and said yeah, you had a 100% blockage in the LAD; the widow maker. We put a stent in and you’re good as new. I remember feeling very…. 😑

Yeah well you should still get the fuck off my lawn.

My dad had his first heart attack at 56 then died at 61 with another so I beat him by 12 years; awesome. It’s weird to think about that too because he lived life hard. I remember he was a heavy smoker and drank a lot. I’ve not lived the best life – obviously – but I’ve been cycling pretty regular for 4-5 years now. I wonder how much that offset the severity of my heart attack? Other than my bicycle riding, I’m pretty sedentary as I work in IT as a SharePoint Engineer at Bridgestone. I spend 8 hours a day sitting at my desk, doing awesome shit with SharePoint.

Anyhoo, I was in ICU for one day then on the regular floor for two days. I was put on more medication than I care to admit (7 pills a day). Some of them will be forever; aspirin and blood thinner for the stent. The others though, I can possibly come off of if I can get my health in order.

During my stay, I had many people come to visit and that made me feel pretty good. I had work friends coming to visit – Antwon, Phillepa and even my manager, Randy! That was awesome. My old manager, Scott and another guy, Rob from CCA came by to visit too!  Jessie came to visit all the way from Crossville and she brought a surprise, my best friend David came to visit! That was really cool!

Special shout out to Jen who came up as I was in the ER and the cath lab. Even though we’re separated, she still came up and visited several times during my stay.

Really special shout out to Amanda who really helped me a lot. She made sure I had everything I needed and spent a lot of time with me and took me home and made sure I was setup at home.

My doctors have cleared me to resume all my normal activities and I feel better than ever. The damage to my heart was minimal and they believe that my heart can get back to normal. I’ve been back on the bike for a few weeks now and I’ve really felt great. I guess it’s amazing that your cardio vascular system works better when you don’t have a clogged artery! I wonder how much this affected my bike trip out west last year as I was really struggling. I thought it was just because I was out of shape – and I was – but I imagine this had to contribute as well. I’m just so glad this didn’t happen while I was out there!


Happy Valentines Jen Harley

I’m glad our weirdnesses match. Thank you for laughing at all my dumb jokes. The jokes I tell to the cashiers and waitresses and you’ve heard a million times.  Thank you for not rolling your eyes when I spend too much money on bike stuff or when I go on and on about autonomous cars, SharePoint, the Titans, Star Trek, or my ideas about a cool space pirate show. Thank you for not sighing too loudly when I’m playing my shitty trap music in the mornings as I’m getting turnt up. Thank you for accepting me for me and all my weird quirks.

Nobody gets me like you do – life is ours and we live it our way.

I love you. Will you be my valentines?

Jen being weird


Ps. Thank you for being my chunky monkey. 😉

Jen Harley – I love you… let’s continue being weird together

We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.

This quote by Robert Fulghum is really great. It fits us and I love that we’re weird in the same ways. I always want to be weird with you. Happy 7th Anniversary!

These photos perfectly represent our life together.

Our life together

Fun at Lipstick

Jen unamused

Jen like's margaritas

Jen being jen

I crush you rock!

Happy Birthday Jen Harley!

Dorky travel pillow, headphones, sunglasses engaged. Home James.On your special day, I wanted you to know that you’re my favorite person. I’m glad you allow me to do life with you.

Here are a few things that come to mind when I think about our life together.

  • We fit together like puzzle pieces. It’s ok that you put things in random places. I think I saw your name tag on the bathroom counter.
  • We sleep all tangled up. I really really love that we sleep the same way and we like it all tangled up.
  • Our personalities compliment each other. You being you allows me to be me without me being self conscience about being a bit of an introvert, especially with new people and in large groups.

Happy Birthday Jen Harley! I love you!



Most of my friends and family already know but I’ve accepted a new position at Bridgestone as a SharePoint Administrator and start there at January 4th.

I’ve worked at CCA for just over 5 years and I have nothing but good things to say about my time there. I’ve enjoyed working for my manager Scott and for our CIO JP. I wasn’t even looking for a position but this one fell in my lap and it was an offer I couldn’t refuse. They’re going to be looking for a SharePoint person so if you’re interested, drop me a line and I can get you in contact with the right people.

I’m looking forward to new challenges and expanding my knowledge on my road to becoming a SharePoint Jedi. 😉